Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, “Don’t do it!”
He said, “Nobody loves me.”
I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.”
I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.”
I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.”
I said, “Me, too! What franchise?”
He said, “Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”
I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
- A Joke written and told by Emo Philips
We try so hard to act like our petty differences are so much more elevated than this, but are they really?
“When I was younger, I drank a quart of blood a day for about six weeks. I’d get it at the slaughterhouse. I’d heard about those Masai, you know, those seven-foot African guys; they’d drink cattle blood for strength. Then one day a little clot got stuck in my throat and that was it for me.” – Jack Lalanne (in Esquire) who died last year at the ripe old age of 96.
Here’s Jack doing some “finger pushups.”
This leads me to the inevitable question. Should I be drinking blood? Is cow blood the fountain of youth? If I drink blood will I be able to do 1,000 pushups in 23 minutes like jack? Could I do pushups on my fingers?
I don’t think I have what it takes.
Well, I got sick on my last day of vacation and have been sick ever since. Good thing it was only a 4 day work week! It will be nice to rest, sleep in and recover.
I love Trader Joe’s. I’m kind of pissed at myself for not shopping there sooner. Great products and delicious foods at reasonable prices. My new job / office is near the only one in Nashville and right on the way home. So, I’ve been able to go there more frequently and just pick up a small bag of stuff. When we move in June, I think proximity to TJ’s is going to have to be a factor.
Still wish I was in New York City. Ate some great food there this time at Beauty & Essex and Les Halles. Also, Empanada Mama. Never run out of new and delicious food choices in the city.
I saw the new Sherlock Holmes movie over the break. I loved it.
I have been uploading my entire CD collection that I recently finished encoding up to the Amazon cloud player. One step closer to my all streaming future!
I want to read more books.
I listen to the WTF Podcast (it’s on iTunes and there’s also an app for that) by Marc Maron every day in my car during my commute. It’s so good. Fascinating.
I’m trying to write more and do more of my old school straight-from-the-hip-off-the-top-of-my-head posts. This is one.
Thanks for reading, youngsters.
I don’t appreciate the message my popcorn is sending me.